A Tribute

We all can point to people who have had a huge impact on our lives, usually our parents, grandparents, siblings, or other relatives. A spouse. Perhaps a teacher or career mentor. Today I want to pay tribute to someone I've never met, but whose influence I've felt for the last few years. I know her only through occasional vignettes relayed to me by the woman I love. From those vignettes, and the way my lover talked of her mother-in-law, I know she was a very special person.

When I first met my lover she had been widowed for several years. In those early days we often talked about her husband and I quickly grew to like and respect him. To this day he holds a place of high honor with me, because without him the woman I love would simply not exist. And while her husband was long gone by the time I met my lover, his mother continued to live with her and influence her life. I will forever be thankful for the time she walked this earth, and the legacy she left behind.

I know that tonight my lover is in extreme pain, and my heart goes out to her and to her entire family. You, and the world, have suffered a great loss.

I wanted to f*** her brain

It all started with her Tweets. She seemed smart, funny, flirtatious. In my mind I pictured her as cute and sexy. I decided I wanted to fuck her brain, which is different than "fucking her brains out". Not that the two are mutually exclusive mind you!

I was officially sex-starved, having gone two weeks without. My how that makes me laugh! I have trouble being celibate for two weeks, when I've had periods of years without sex? I've always had the appetite for lots of sex and sexual variety, but I'd forced myself to suppress it. Better to be celibate than seek sexual adventure outside of marriage. At least until the marriage snapped. I'd gotten myself through that knothole, keeping the marriage healthy, and eventually taking on a mistress. And now I realize how much has changed over the last 5 years, urged on by a lover with a very strong sexual appetite herself. The 6 additional weeks until I could again see my lover weighed heavily on me. I couldn't do anything about the emotional hole I was feeling, but I could turn lemons into lemonade. I decided I would seek a one or more sexual adventures in my lover's absence. As always the first question to come to mind was, kink or vanilla? I decided kink was in order, particularly experiences that would be quite different with a stranger than with my lover. At the same time I wouldn't rule out something more vanilla if the right woman came along. I even had an ulterior motive.

I love smart women. I'm seduced by them even if that isn't their intent, and when that is their intent then I figure resistance is futile. That's how it was with these tweets. They weren't directed at me, but there was something about them that made me want to meet and fuck the brain that wrote them. Sexy? Check. Funny? Check (silly even, but in a very brainy way). Sophisticated? Yes, that showed through the silliness. Genuine? She sure seemed that way.

I did not look to see if she had reviews. I did not look at her pictures. I did not look at her prices. I simply sent her mail saying I wanted to see her. And I had one of the best times since starting my adventures.

As for my ulterior motive.... I've always wanted to give my lover the gift of a threesome, but never could think of someone I thought worthy to present to her. As anyone who has read my or my lover's blogs knows, we have done threesomes with one of her friends. That was her gift to me (and to herself, of course). But now, I've found someone I'd be happy to bring to a threesome with my lover. Hopefully we can make that happen soon after her return. Because as much as I love sexual adventures, the ones I love the most are those that I get to share with her.

What is "straight"?

Once again a question from Silvia-Mckenzie elicits a long response from me (meanwhile @Poohbear98188 summed things up rather succinctly). Silvia asked, "What is 'straight'"? I've thought about this a fair amount over the years, initially triggered when a big burly manly lumberjack-like (although he was a computer programmer) friend of mine introduced me to his gay lover. While completely ok with me, I didn't "get it" from a chemistry standpoint. I tried imagining them having sex and it was kind of like trying to imagine your parents having sex. My brain just would not go there (and I finally watched gay porn just to see what my mind refused to conjure up images of). And so, as I've explored my own sexuality and observed the many variations on sexuality (thank you WWW!), I've had numerous thoughts about the topic. Today was a perfect day for Silvia to have posed this question, because today an acquaintance let me know that he was transgendered and working his, or rather her, way to GRS. More on this later.

I know how my body and brain react (from the subtle to the more obvious that @Poohbear98188 mentions) when I see a beautiful woman, smell her, interact with her, etc. Indeed, my body even reacts that way (though perhaps more on the subtle side) with an unattractive woman. My body and brain have no such reactions to any man. To take @Poohbear98188's point a little further, I can't even tell a good looking man from a not very good looking man. (And on a side note, when some "I'd never have sex with anyone other than my husband" woman tells me she'd violate that rule to have sex with Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Denzel Washington, or some other hunk of the moment, I am indeed baffled about why that particular male elicited such a reaction). I'm just not programmed to react sexually to men. And thus "straight" to me is not about what acts one does or does not participate in, it is about what chemical reaction occurs. Opposite Sex only reaction = Straight. Same Sex only reaction = Gay. Both Sex reaction = Bi (to varying degrees, just to complicate things).

Of course life can never be that simple, and so for many years I have been struggling with a conundrum (triggered by a particular movie whose name I forget). Let's say I meet a woman who is beautiful and sexy. She seduces me and we retire to someplace private for sex. We kiss passionately and I am super turned on. I remove her bra and bury my face in her gorgeous breasts, kissing them and sucking on her nipples. I kiss down to her navel and slip off her panties. And out springs a penis. Do I recoil in horror and run for the hills? Or, do I live in the moment and pop it into my mouth? And if I did the latter, would it be a sign of some latent "gay" tendencies or just an acknowledgment that a "chic with a dick" is first and foremost a chic? I don't think I want to know the answer, just in case it is different from what I think it is. Note that I will likely never face this sexual "kobayashi maru" because it requires that I not know (nor suspect) that the chic has a dick until after I am super turned on and in the midst of foreplay. But certainly this scenario throws a monkey wrench into my otherwise simple answer for "What is 'straight'?"

Of course there are other complicating scenarios. What if you are a submissive with no interest in men whatsoever, and your mistress orders you to suck another man's cock? Perhaps she is doing it precisely because she knows you find the idea revolting and the only reason you will do this is to demonstrate your deep submission to her. And you do it, because the alternative is to acknowledge you can't submit to her at the level she (and probably you, before reality struck) desires. Sorry, you forgot to mention to her that was a hard limit. So you suck. By my chemical reaction theory you are still straight. However, if you actually tell a femdom you want a "forced bi" scene then it isn't so clear. Perhaps you find it degrading and you are into degradation. Or perhaps you are bi-curious but could never bring yourself to do something about it, so you abdicate responsibility to the dominant but still get to try it out. Ah the complications of sex!

Which brings me back to an interesting complication I never would have thought about had Silvia not posed her question, the TG acquaintance. As expected I have never had any sexual reaction to this person when he was living as a male and I can't imagine having any reaction to her now that she is wearing women's clothing, taking hormones, etc. Now fast forward a few years to Post-Op and a well faded memory that she was once a he. Plus make the assumption that he turns out to be a fairly attractive she (which thinking about his build, facial structure, etc. is actually not a bad assumption). He will be a she in every externally detectable (to everyone except a forensic anthropologist) way, but it is the same person. Why is it that having a sexual reaction to that person two weeks ago would have been classified as "gay", while having a sexual reaction to that person two years from now will be classified as "straight"? It is enough to make your head really hurt.

So what does this all mean? Well, not much. Except maybe we should all stop worrying so much about labels and just enjoy ourselves.

It's all about control

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Everything a man does he does to get laid

This topic was sparked by Silvia-Mckenzie's Tweets about a debate on Everything a man does he does to get laid. I responded on Twitter, but the topic deserves a deeper response.

Humans are animals, and as such everything we do is tied to a continuation of our species. Everything. Or at least, everything we do is the result of our biological imperative to continue the species. For non-humans the link is always obvious, for example when puppies and kittens "play" they are practicing hunting skills. For humans the link may be more circuitous, but it is there. Sports, for example, are linked to our practice of hunting and survival (e.g., defense of self and the group) skills. Even baseball. Does anyone think that the ability to hit a target the size of an animal with a 95 MPH fastball might be related to our ability to take down game with a rock? I sure do. Any wonder that men are more into sports then women? Playing with dolls is about preparing to raise children. Any wonder that girls are more into dolls than boys? Those very same boys who, having never seen a war movie or been allowed to own GI Joe can be found in the back yard playing soldier?

The thing about humans is, our brains let us channel biological imperatives far beyond the obvious and break "the rules". Take music. I have no idea how music ties in to our biological imperatives, except perhaps for one word: Groupies. Ok, so that is a special case. But it appears to be a generalization...music helps encourage reproduction ("sex") and thus humans have developed it into a high art form. Music may have other continuation of the species benefits, but do any of us really care? Certainly not the guys (and gals) who make the music. You join a rock band to get laid. You are a roadie to get laid. You put on a Barry White 8-track (sorry, MP3) when a woman is visiting in order to get laid. Got it?

Of course the biggest example is S-E-X. We are programmed to have sex to reproduce. And that means intercourse. But humans took this drive and turned it into every imaginable sexual activity. And some unimaginable ones. The rest of the animal kingdom pretty much sticks with intercourse, because they are just following the reproduction programming. Well then, how much other human male activity is tied to "getting laid".

We do things for three reasons:

1) To maintain our own personal survival
2) To maintain the survival of our group (and thus offspring)
3) To create offspring

There are no other reasons. Obviously #3 is directly tied to getting laid. Men were designed to impregnate as many women as possible. There is no real need to discuss this, just look at how men's genitals work. What about #2? What really motivates a man to want to protect and provide for the group? Why not just look our for ourselves? Well, women are attracted to men who provide for and protect them and their offspring. And even in this day and age, when women can largely provide for themselves, a man who doesn't take care of his family is widely looked down upon (by both women and other men alike). So, unless you can protect and provide for the group you are unlikely to get laid. Thus, men are driven by their desire to have sex to provide for and protect the group. Further, women seem biologically driven to seek out the men who can best provide for them and their offspring. They may say "money doesn't matter", but in reality their genetics encourages them to have sex with wealthy men over poor men. And thus, men are driven to success.

That leaves us with #1. Well, you can't reproduce if you aren't alive and reasonably healthy. Men keep themselves alive in order to reproduce. So yes, that sip of coffee you just had was really just part of getting you ready to get laid.

What does this all mean? Does it really matter? Humans are at the core animals with all of the animal kingdom's biological imperatives. Our brains let us reach far beyond those imperatives, and do things without clear links to those imperatives. But if you drill down deep enough, everything is motivated by the need continue the species. Which means reproduce. Which means getting laid.

Why I haven't been posting...

I know I haven't been posting much here. I do have a backlog of topics, but beyond having time constraints I've been concentrating my activity on Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/paramour425). But I really should start posting here again.

Five Years

If I'd known how important the date would become to me I'd have recorded it for posterity. Alas, all I know is it was sometime around "now" in 2004. I was doing work for a client of mine in the Pacific NW and decided an upcoming trip would be a good time for my annual extra-curricular adventure. I'd come across an ad on Eros for one "Fallon Delicio" and was immediately captivated by her. After reading every word on her website I realized this was a woman I just had to meet. Fallon had a booking form that was, to say the least, unique. It was more like what one would expect from eHarmony.com, that is questions to ascertain compatibility than the matter of fact time/location details and safety-oriented questions that most paid companions ask. Amused, I filled out the form and awaited Fallon's response. Fallon expressed disappointment that I had no children, but apparently I otherwise passed her bar and a dinner date was set up. It was a date that would change my life.

I keep meaning to write the details of how Fallon seduced me, but that will have to wait. What is important is that after spending a few hours with Fallon, better known as Silvia-Mckenzie Navah, my once a year philosophy was put on hold and I arranged to see her on my next trip. Then on the next. And by November she was my mistress. Five years later I have trouble finding words that adequately describe our relationship. She is my lover, my mistress, my paramour. She is a source of constant joy. A spark of life that powers me. A woman I admire, respect, and treasure above all others (indeed, above all women or men). She is perfect (and that is meant both sincerely, and as an inside joke). She is the reason this blog is titled "Ramblings of a Happy Man". And if anyone hasn't figured it out, I love her.

Silvia, it has been an incredible five year. Here's to 50 more!

On the hypocracy of my calling women frumpy...

Ok, I've developed a real pet peave about frumpy women. That reason is simple, I've run into so many awesome looking women in their 30s, 40s, and 50s that it is pretty clear most of the rest just don't take care of themselves. Yes, women can be so hot in their 40s and 50s that it makes one wonder why middle-aged men ever get interested in those 20 year olds. Well, perhaps because so many women in their 40s and 50s "let themselves go". But that isn't my real topic here.

I've always dressed "down". It's part of my generation, my career, my persona. Yet for a while now I've wanted to change that. I started to a few years back, after losing some weight. I started to buy, and wear with more frequency, nicer clothing. Then I gained back just enough of the weight to make wearing those newly bought items impossible. Damn! I refused to buy new nice clothing in the bigger size, so I'm quickly wearing everything out and have little to wear. Then a couple of recent events made me dress down even more. Oh my god, if you can apply the word frumpy to a man I'm getting there.

So, here is where I'm at. I'm going to quickly get back down to the weight I was at when I bought some nicer things and then keep pushing to the weight I really want to live at. I'm back to working out regularly, and will push some goals there I haven't been at for about three years. And then I'm going to buy a whole bunch of new clothing and try to relegate bluejeans to occasions that realy justify them!

Can I do it? Well, now that it is in the category of something to be conquered I think so. That mountain just has to be leveled. "I wanna kill. Kill. KILL" :-)

The benefits of being flexible

No, not that kind of flexible (which being a middle-aged man, I’m not).  I’m talking about the kind of flexible where you don’t get overly fixated on one particular plan.  In other words, the ability to go with the flow.  And to do it without actually being directionless.  I happen to be someone who doesn’t usually freak out when plans change.  And when it comes to my love life, I actually embrace it.  I find that it means more adventure, more intimacy, more intensity, more variety, and an ever better connection with my lover.   Maybe another way to put it is that I keep my eye on the long term.  There are an infinite number of paths to get there, all with their own joys and pleasures.  And I don’t care which path is explored on any given day.  I’m always moving to where I want to be, and taking in those joys and pleasures along the way.

The Fine (lost?) Art of Girl-Watching

One of my favorite past-times is “girl watching”.  While I believe all men (and I expect women) engage in this practice, changes in our lifestyle have caused some of the “art” to go out of it.  This is definitely not a change for the better.

I engage in girl watching all the time, alone or with one of my favorite partners (either my BFF, or my lover), but for some reason it really has been on my mind a lot this summer.  Perhaps that’s because my BFF has spent the summer insisting that we meet in the very best spots for girl watching rather than necessarily choosing based on the quality of food or other useful characteristics.  Or perhaps it is because my lover and I like to keep each other amused with messages about the hotter women we spot (or, sadly, about how so many women let “frumpy” take over their lives).  In any case, I’ve been doing a lot of girl watching and realized just how un-productive it has become (even ignoring the one time my BFF and I lucked out and tried a mediocre restaurant that just happened to have some women playing beach volleyball next to it).

What do I mean by unproductive?  Well, anyone who has worked in the downtown area of a major city (think New York or Chicago) and now works in a suburban office park understands.  If you’ve ever worked someplace like Wall Street then you know all you have to do at lunch time is stand outside the front of your office building and a parade of lovelies that rivals the Miss America pageant will, well, parade on by.  In 30 minutes you get to gaze at dozens, if not hundreds, of women dressed to the hilt.  Not a one would be caught dead in flats (unless they are on their way home, but that is a subtlety that only those in the know understand).  All of them trying to look their best without crossing some imaginary line of being “too sexy at work”.  And somehow, perhaps because they all put so much effort into looking good,  they seemingly all did.   And so, instead of partaking of all the fine restaurants nearby we would snarf down a sandwich at our desks then wander downstairs for the sightseeing.  By we I am talking about millions of American men, but also specifically about my BFF and I.   We were young, and those were the days!

Now I dare you, snarf down that sandwich and head on outside to the front of your typical suburban office park building and count the number of women who go by in 30 minutes that could be the subject of your fantasies.  Between the low traffic, and the tendency for (both men and)  women who inhabit these places to dress down, you’ll likely fall asleep within 10 minutes.  It just isn’t an environment conducive  to girl watching.   If you want a prime example of the downfall of  “American Civilization”, this is it!

Now I know that I’m a part of the problem.  I work in a suburban office park.  I dress (way) down most of the time.  And I have a tendency to refer to people who dress up for work as “suits” (meaning all show and no substance).  I’ve become a product of my environment.  At the same time, I know I look better in a suit than in my preferred blue jeans.  So rather than just complain about the situation I have an offer to make.  If the women of America will go back to dressing to the hilt, even when working in the suburbs, I’ll do the same.  Your move.

The perils of threesomes

This is actually my third attempt to blog on this topic. Events just kept overtaking my writing. But now enough time has passed that I can write on the topic.

My lover has already done a podcast describing our actual threesome, so I won't be going into those details (much). But I do think it's an interesting topic to blog about myself, particularly the part that was a surprise. But first a little setup.

Until last week I'd never had a threesome. The opportunity hadn't come up, and it was not high enough on my adventures list for me to have arranged one on my own. However, my lover and I had discussed it a number of times and she suggested we ask her friend SexxiKennedy to join us. Last Tuesday it just happened that Kennedy was in town and we talked her into coming over to visit us. When Kennedy's car pulled up in front Silvia-Mckenzie excitedly called me over because "you have to see her get out of her car...she is so beautiful". Indeed she is. Kennedy ended up spending a couple of nights with us, and that's where you'll just have to go listen to Silvia-Mckenzie's webcast for details.

I had a great time having both my lover and her friend around for a couple of evenings. I'm sure I was the envy of every man who saw us together...after all I had two beautiful women with me. I must admit I've gotten used to all the men looking at Silvia-Mckenzie when we are in public. At first it was a little disconcerting, even though it was great for my ego (hey, they may want her but she's with ME). And I'm less surprised then I was at the beginning of our relationship when I go somewhere on my own and they remember me because I was in once with Silvia-Mckenzie. Now I wonder who will remember the guy with two hotties wandering around town last week :-)

On Wednesday morning I realized something important, probably expected, and really quite cool. I was so totally into my lover the previous night that when I'm with her other people barely exist. We spent a couple of hours dancing in a club Tuesday night and even though it was really crowded, as far as I remember no one else was even there. Even Kennedy just "vanished" from my conscious, and making that beautiful a woman invisible is something even Penn and Teller aren't up to. Angelia Jolie could have thrown herself at me and I would have ignored her (ok, BS...I would have invited her to join us for a foursome). All kidding aside, I really liked the reminder of how intense my feelings are. It is one thing to "feel" them (which I do all the time), it is another to be able to see them in action.

The threesome actually happened on Wednesday night. Once again for details you'll have to listen to Silvia-Mckenzie's podcast, but something very important solidified in my head. When two people in a relationship have a threesome with another person (and I don't care if that person is a friend, paid companion, or just someone you picked up for the purpose) the third person is just a sex toy. The threesome was about Silvia and I, Kennedy was our sex toy. I think that's a very healthy way to view things because it keeps everyone's priorities straight. And that, as it turns out, is the real purpose of this blog post.

One of the first things you'll hear about threesomes is that they are emotionally risky. How could they not be? The first time you see your lover having sex with another person should be a revelation, and if you aren't prepared for it then bad things can happen. And you can't always prepare for it. Now going into this threesome I wasn't too worried because although it was my first time Silvia-Mckenzie has had them before. So if anyone was going to have a problem it was me, and I knew I wasn't going to have a problem. Well everything went fine, and seemed fine the next morning, and then sometime Thursday afternoon Silvia-Mckenzie experienced what she describes as her "spasm". You can see it in action on her blog.

It isn't my place to say what caused Silvia-Mckenzie's "spasm", though I now understand it. What is important for anyone considering a threesome is this: If someone as emotionally mature, comfortable in their own skin, secure, and "seen it all" experienced as Silvia-Mckenzie can be thrown by something that happens during a threesome then any of us can. Do not assume that you, your partner, or the third party is completely immune from having some kind of unexpected emotional response. Human interactions are just too complex to be completely predictable.

Wow, is it August already?

Although I've intended to blog at least once per week, I almost completely ignored the blog in July. What can I say, summer is all about being outdoors and active not indoors sitting at a computer. Other than work I've really avoided the computer this summer. So while I still intend to blog at least once a week (and have already started a little piece on girl watching), expect gaps as long as it is warm and sunny out!

When something is missing

For the last two weeks something has been missing from my life.  There have been moments when I’ve been way too busy, and having way too much fun, for me to consciously been thinking about “it”, yet always felt the absence.  Everything is colored by the lack of “it’s” spark.  Each day I’m away from that spark my heart feels a little heavier.  The loss starts the moment we separate, and I’m not whole again until my eyes first set sight on “it” again.  I’ve grown accustomed to week long separations.  That doesn’t change how the separation weighs on me, just that I cope with it.  When the separations are longer, others can detect “it’s” impact on my mood.

Of course “it” is my lover (to whom I apologize for referring to with such a pronoun).  Her presence in my life is a blessing beyond what I can describe, and her contribution to my happiness is priceless.  I am a very happy and lucky man.

Steve McNair

I hesitate to write about the Steve McNair case, since the facts aren’t all in.  But it looks like his mistress murdered him then committed suicide.  Ok, as a man with a mistress I’m fascinated by stories like this.  Partially for the “there but for the grace of god go I” aspect, and also because it highlights what seems like DOs and DON’Ts if you are going to have a mistress.

There are at least two scenarios in the Steve McNair / Sahel Kazemi case that I’m wondering about.  The first is that McNair really was estranged from his wife and was dating Kazemi in a traditional sense.  Perhaps he announced his intent to try to reconcile with his wife and Kazemi snapped.  That isn’t really a “mistress” kind of relationship, so I’ll ignore it for now.  The other is that McNair lied to Kazemi and lead her on about his intent.  There are two problems there.  One is that you shouldn’t lie to your mistress.  The second is that you should have a mistress who really wants to be a mistress, not someone whose goal is to displace your wife!

The “shouldn’t lie” is really quite simple.  As a shadowy, outside your public life, deep intimate relationship your mistress serves as the one person you can share your secrets with.  You can tell her things you can’t share with your wife, friends, business associates, etc.  Having this outlet, and its associated bond, is one of the joys of having a mistress.  But for that to work you have to trust her.  Because a mistress holds in her hands the power to destroy you.  Perhaps simply by revealing your relationship, but more devastatingly by revealing your secrets.  So the reality is that you want to establish and maintain a very trusting relationship with your mistress.  You already start out with a bit of a handicap, since obviously you are willing to lie to your wife so why should your mistress trust you?  That’s a tough one, and honestly a topic I agonized over (and still do) .  I hate lying to my wife, and it bothers me even more that I demonstrate to my lover that I’m capable of such deception.  But that is the nature of the beast!

Which brings me to the second point.  You really want a mistress who wants to be a mistress!   If that’s a role they seek, then you don’t have to lie about your intent.  And they fully understand and accept the need for you to lie to your wife, even if lying isn’t in your nature.  And, even if you do fall in love with each other, it doesn’t have to threaten your marriage.  Or your life.  Finding a mistress who really wants to be a mistress (rather than your girlfriend or wife) and what that really means is a topic I want to write about.  But not today.

To sub, or not to sub…that is the question

In “sex”, as in everything else, everyone seems to need a label.  Or many.  So when it comes to “vanilla” (whatever that is) I’m properly labeled as a Straight Male.  That seems easy enough.  But what about BDSM?  Well I find labels there a lot tougher.  Failing to find anything that really fits, I identify as a Switch.  So what does this really mean?

To begin with there is nothing very vanilla about my vanilla.  Oh, an evening of activities most people consider vanilla is high on my list of fantastic things!  There are times when nothing is better than passionate kissing, hands and mouth everywhere, and ultimately pumping my seed into the place that was designed to receive it.  Yup, that is vanilla.  But most of the time my sex play involves at least something kinky.  That can be as simple as being teased for a very long time (which at 20 would have been torture but in middle age is exquisite in its frustration, fantasy, and release), or as wild as having my lover clamp a Kali Teeth Bracelet on my cock.  And while tease/denial, CBT, and chastity devices are all staples of BDSM, when I engage in these activities with my lover they are simply kink.   We do not relate as D/s, but rather as lovers who both simply enjoy playing with each other in almost any imaginable way.

But, I have always wanted to try D/s and chose to try being a submissive first.  The very first thing I found is that anything submissive outside the bedroom really turned me off.  Oh, I could play the role a bit online for a chat or two.  But after that my natural alpha male re-asserts itself and I lose interest.  In the bedroom I can take the submissive role and run…or rather be bound up, with it.  Unfortunately it has been very difficult to have a satisfying submissive experience.  I’ve had two, which I’ll talk about in other blog posts.  But the other half dozen or so I’ve had left me unsatisfied, and thinking I only enjoyed submission in the privacy of my own mind.  I did finally have the kind of submissive experience I was looking for, so now I know reality can be as good as fantasy.   Thus playing as a submissive is still very much on the table.  Does that make me a submissive?  I don’t think so.

You see playing the dominant role in D/s play is also on my list of interests.  I’ve just long had it as a lower priority than exploring submission.  Why?  Frankly, because male dominant/female submissive is all too vanilla!  I know I exaggerate, but I think everyone knows what I mean.  Thus exploring the more unusual female dominant/male submissive side of things was just more taboo and more mentally stimulating.  But now that I’ve done that, my interest in finding submissive play partners is going up.

So, I’d play with a woman just to share a kink.  I’d happily submit to a woman (and explore multiple kinks with her) so I can experience the joys of sub-space.  And I’d be thrilled to find a play partner to help me learn how to dominate.  Switch does sound like the appropriate label, doesn’t it?

The Waitress

The door was still locked when I arrived at the restaurant seeking a bit of breakfast before a long day of work.  I looked inside but could see no one, briefly wondering if it had joined the many others killed off by the recession.  A quick check of my watch revealed it was 5 minutes before opening time, so I took out my smartphone and began reading email.  At precisely opening time I heard a sexy “Good Morning” and looked up to see one of the waitresses opening the door.  She’d served me a couple of times in the past, and I’d always noted some attraction, but this time I really “woke up” and took notice. 

As she walked me to a table I noticed the swing in her hips and a bit of a joyful “skip” in her step.  Since I was the only customer there was a lot of time for small talk.  There was a definite twinkly in her eye and a delightful squint when she smiled (which she did a lot).  Having eaten at this particular place quite often I knew their routine, and she wasn’t following it.  Even as other customers entered, she found an unusual number of reasons to swing by my table.  Every bit of her body language and voice said “flirt”, and she was reeling me in.  My mind went to a movie scene of brushing everything off the table, throwing her down, and doing her right in the restaurant.  What a great way to start the day!

What I notice each time I see this waitress is that she doesn’t fit any definition of “type” that I would give someone if they forced me to say what I was attracted to.  Her loose waitress outfit hides any notion of curves, though her body language suggests otherwise.  No breasts, legs, or butt to really check out.  Cute, but not beautiful.  Medium-long hair, but done in an odd style (and multiple colors) that shows her youth.  And young, mid 20s, an age that doesn’t do anything for me (except of course make for good eye candy).  So why did I have such a strong reaction to this waitress?

I do find that I’m often attracted to someone even though I can’t easily describe why.  So what did this waitress have, besides being the most delightful flirt?  One, there was that sparkle in her eye.  That’s always been something that captures my attention.  It is probably related to the biggie, a clear zest for life.  Sheer Joy.  That is something in my top 3.  It’ll get me every time.

I left a really big tip.

Sex in every corner

Yesterday I was surprised and delighted to see a tweet from my lover saying she had the hots for a waitress.  Surprised because earlier that day I had been at a restaurant a 1000 miles away having the hots for a waitress.  And planning to blog about it.   Delighted because it was yet another sign of how “in-sync” the two of us are.  Yes, we both see sex in every corner.  Though she has me beat since she gets to fantasize about both men and women while I stick to women. 

This wasn’t the first time I was thinking about something and suddenly a tweet or blog post appears that mirrors my thoughts.  Can she read my mind?  I hope so, because then she knows the dirty, passionate, and loving thoughts that are in there.

Do you need therapy?

Admittedly, this topic really should be “Do I need therapy?” but I much preferred the idea of making it someone else’s problem :-)  That said, I believe many of us do worry from time to time that we are letting SEX dominate our lives a bit too much.  So, although I have no professional credentials nor expertise, I decide to create a little quiz to see if I (or any of you) might need therapy.  It’s a simple 5 question quiz where you provide an answer between 1 and 10.  Then we’ll see if you really do need therapy!

1) How much does your focus on Sex interfere with your relationship with your family (including children, spouse, other relatives)?  Answer from 1 to 10 where 1 is “My family wants me to find a hobby so they can have some time away from me” and 10 is “Family?  Holy S**t Batman, I forgot I had one”.

2) How does Sex impact your financial stability?  Answer from 1 to 10 where 1 is “If I gave up Sex I’d go broke” and 10 is “All my money goes to sex toys, sex vacations, escorts, building that perfect play-space, etc. and I just got an eviction notice”.

3) What impact do you have on those you have sex with?  Answer from 1 to 10 where 1 is “I’ve saved more marriages than Marriage Encounter” and 10 is “I’m personally responsible for America’s high divorce rate”.

4) How does Sex impact you at work?  Answer from 1 to 10 where 1 is “They all think I’m a nun” and 10 is “I’ve been fired from so many jobs for inappropriate sexual activity that even Donald Trump got tired of telling me”.

5) Is Sex effecting your health?  Either in terms of illness or play injuries?  Answer from 1 to 10 where 1 is “I haven’t been sick a day in my life” and 10 is “I had trouble getting a doctor to remove the xxxx from my ass because at the hospital I’m known as the Typhoid Mary of STDs”

If you answered 10 to any of the questions then you need therapy.  If your answers total to more than 35 then you need therapy.  If you are between 25 and 35, therapy might or might not help.  Below 25, Sex IS your therapy.

Where am I?

It has been a very busy work week, and the weekend is looking a little overfull as well.  So next “real” blog post might not be until Monday.  I hope I can get one done sooner, since several topics are trying to blast their way out of my head.  It hurts :-)

T-0: Minutes to go

Busy day at work so I couldn’t do anything special, but my mind was on HER the entire day.  Well, that IS as SPECIAL as it gets really!  Got a picture that just blew my mind.   Wow!

T-1: A tough night last night

My brain locked on my lover’s latest fantasy and was so active I couldn’t sleep.  The plan is working.  I got perhaps 3 hours total!  The “fix” would have been to masturbate, but I managed to skip that.

It was a busy day at work and I was doing all I could to stay awake, so no conscious working on my “plan”.  But I did lust after nearly every woman in sight.  I wish I could say I was caught staring, but more likely if I looked at someone that long it was because I had fallen asleep with my eyes open.  Although they might have been in my dreams….

Tonight I will continue with the program.  There is a book I’m reading, and although it isn’t really my style it perfectly fits the bill right now by feeding my vivid imagination.  A vivid imagination is a fantastic sexual tool!

Anyway, the feelings of sexual frustration are building greatly.  With a bit under 24 hours to go I expect I’ll barely be able to contain myself when I see my lover.  What kind of encounter will it be?  It certainly won’t be that of teenage lovers, even if I’m trying to invoke that style of internal energy.  Hmmm….I may just have to “claim” her.

T-2: A really big turn-on

I exchanged mail with my lover about fulfilling another one of her fantasies. It plays to one of my big fantasies as well, so I'm incredibly turned on. Frustration building :-)

Enabled Anonymous Comments

I'm still working on getting the settings right for the sight. Now anyone can post a comment.

T-2: Getting ready for a HOT date

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Another take on the Kali’s Teeth Bracelet

Perhaps you have read Silvia-Mckenzie Navah’s description of our play with with a Kali’s Teeth Bracelet (KTB), and if you haven’t you really should.  I included a brief description from my side in the comments there, and wanted to expand on it here.

I was quite faithful to my ex-wife during the period of our “sexless marriage”.  While I now consider that a mistake (that is, had I sought sex elsewhere it might have preserved the marriage), it lead me to quite an active fantasy sex life.  It was during this period that I first went to an adult book store and started to learn about the wide variety of non-vanilla sexual activities, kinks, and fetishes out there.  I found I really enjoyed BDSM magazines and the activities they depicted (in picture and in story).  Now this was WAY before the Internet and so these magazines were pretty much the only source of information one could find.  In one of those magazines was a story in which a dominant used a Kali’s Teeth Bracelet to keep her submissive cruelly in chastity.  I think I came pretty much just from reading the story.  Not that I could really say why.  I’m not submissive in life, nor had I played with being submissive in the bedroom, yet there was something so hot both about a guy submitting that thoroughly to a woman and even hotter about just playing with such a seemingly medieval torture device as the KTB.  Sadly, I could not keep such material around the house and the magazine and story are long gone.

Silvia-Mckenzie didn’t know about my youthful KTB fantasies when she ordered one for us to play with, but once I found out I was both ecstatic and nervous.  I really wanted to try it, but was nervous I would wimp-out on wearing it for any length of time.  It is in fact far more than a chastity device, it is a true torture device.  In the end I was determined that Kali would not defeat me easily.  We had to milk the KTB for all the fun we could!  But I must admit I was further emboldened by “The Angel’s” apparent belief that I, and Silvia, would wimp out.  So the key to remove the KTB was locked in the car while we were at dinner, and I wore the KTB for 5 hours without asking for it to be removed.  Indeed, it was only removed when Silvia was ready for other games to be played!

Now you may ask why I would allow my precious body part to be placed in a medieval-like  chastity/torture device even for an instant, and I could give you a number of answers.  Curiosity, and my own fantasies, certainly played an enormous role.  But there is something much more important at play.  I knew it would turn my partner on, and not just a little.  Read Silvia’s own description of the event and you’ll get some idea.  Her reaction was simply amazing, and worth every bit of pain, discomfort, fear, and everything else I experienced.  I’d wear it again in a heartbeat to bring her that much pleasure!

Technorati Tags: Sex,BDSM,S&M,CBT,Fetish

Women (almost) always TOP

Ok, before everyone get’s indignant let me clarify.  Outside the bedroom women almost always “top from the bottom”. 

So what do I mean?  Ignore the surface behaviors where men seem dominant and women seem submissive because any man (particularly any married man) will tell you that the woman always get’s what she wants.  We men are wired to be breeders, providers and to protect our families.  To do that we developed dominant personas which, in my opinion, range from very useful in modern life all the way to causing true dysfunction and anti-social behavior.   Except for wimps, and no one (particularly, if you read the personals, female dominants) likes a wimp.   The thing is, men are REALLY wired for their biological function.  And women have evolved to instinctively push men’s buttons.  You think I mean S-E-X?  Well, that certainly applies to our wiring for breeding.  But I think most women are actually better at manipulating men’s instinct to “provide and protect”.  Indeed, that may be the real reason so many women lose interest in sex once they have children:  they realize they no longer need it to manipulate their man.   Unfortunately they fail to take their mate’s long-term mental health into account, but that is a topic for another posting.

We acknowledge this situation in our vocabulary all the time.  A woman who is really skilled at this manipulation often has a “doting husband” while a woman who has really poor skills and thus resorts to more blatant techniques has a man who is “henpecked”.   Guys, the message here is that you actually want to find a woman who is good at manipulating you.   No one wants to be henpecked.

So if women “top from the bottom” in life why is their behavior so different in the bedroom?  In my experience that very same woman who can manipulate you into painting the bedroom pink, buying a minivan, or eating a vegemite sandwich (and they only legitimate reason I can see a guy eating a vegemite sandwich is because it leads to sex, otherwise why?  WHY?) will give you ZERO information about what they like when it comes to sex.  I mean, they always have an opinion on which shirt looks best on you but they’ll never let on if they prefer it when your tongue goes up and down or side to side.  They happily tell you you’re too rough when putting on the sunscreen, but never let you know how much pressure they like when you squeeze their breasts.   I don’t have an answer for this one, so maybe someone out there can enlighten me?

As for me, my younger experiences with women who would not communicate helped shape my interests in middle-age.  I like women who are assertive or even aggressive in bed.  I love great communications, both verbal and via body language.  I love it when my partner is truly lost in her own pleasure, and makes it a priority over pleasing me.  Even in a situation where I am clearly being “dominant”, I want these things to be true.  I guess that means even in the bedroom I want a woman who tops, whether from the top or from the bottom.  They are turn-ons for me.  So much so that if I knew it would make my partner truly wet, I’d eat a vegemite sandwich. 

Learning to savor “paid companionship”

Trust me, this post really is about sex.  I’m a steak lover.  Some years ago I had a string of mediocre steaks at various restaurants and came to an important realization:  It wasn’t worth wasting my time or money on a mediocre steak.  Ever since, I’ve limited my restaurant steak consumption to those occasions where I can go to a top steakhouse.  Sure it costs a lot (and when I started out budget considerations made this a rare treat), but now when I eat steak each bite is almost a religious experience.  Or, in a sex blog perhaps it is best to say that the steak is even better than sex.  NOT!  Fortunately the two are not necessarily mutually exclusive.

When I decided to pursue my middle-aged sexual adventures I immediately realized that the best way to do it was via various forms of “paid companionship”.  I wasn’t looking to get entangled in a relationship, and “paid companionship” is, except in its most advanced form (something for a future post), inherently No Strings Attached.   So I had a basic direction, and started looking at having the occasional (initially once a year) adventure with an Escort.

I’ll be writing numerous blogs about escorts in the days to come, but this one is about two specific topics.  The first is about what is important to me about the overall experience.  The second is about money.  They are related.

I started this posting off by talking about steak, and particularly steak at a restaurant, because I wanted to make a point about mediocre versus excellent “product” and more importantly “experience”.  I can buy an incredible steak at the butcher and cook it to perfection at home, along with my favorite sides.  And when I’m done with the shopping, preparation, cooking, clearing the table, washing the dishes, etc. I’ve put a few hours of effort in for about 30 minutes of pleasurable dining.  Now, when I do this just for myself mostly what I recall is all the work.  When I do it for friends what I recall is sharing a great steak (and wine, etc.) with my friends.  So when I go out for a great steak I want the entire experience with it.  Great atmosphere.  Great Service.  Great Food.  Great, well everything.  Sure it revolves around the steak, and the steak had best be great, but everything else needs to be incredible.  And this too is my approach to Escorts.

I love women.  Sure, I REALLY love sex with them.  But I just love to interact with women in general, (try to) understand them, and develop a connection with them.  It doesn’t matter to me if I’m dealing with a clerk in the supermarket, a fellow business traveler, or a “sex worker”.  Except in the case of a “sex worker” I know the interaction is likely to lead to some form of sex.  So in their case, all those interactions with women that I enjoy so much in daily life take on a new urgency:  Seduction.  Put another way, when dealing with an escort  the Seduction Phase of the encounter is every bit as important to me as any actual sex play that occurs.  I want to seduce and be seduced.  Even if it is “paid companionship”.

When I started my explorations I didn’t realize how important seduction was going to be to me, though I discovered it pretty quickly.  The worst escort experience I ever had actually involved perhaps the best blow job I’ve ever received.  But because I had no (ZERO) connection with the woman, it was almost like interacting with a blowup doll, I couldn’t stand another minute with her.  I ended the appointment an hour early.  On the other hand when I look back at one of my fondest encounters I realize that the sex itself was above average but not memorable.  However, we’d spent hours having a wonderful conversation over dinner and made a real connection.  That made up for the sex itself being less than I’d hoped.  And then there is “the one” where everything was perfect that first time.  And still is.  I wonder if she’d mind me telling that story?

Which brings me to $.  When reading any of the boards devoted to “the hobby” one invariably comes across a conversation debating the fees charged by escorts.  This usually happens when a particular escort is charging significantly above the local going rate.   “Why should I pay $300 when <insert highly regarded local provider x here> does everything for $250?” My favorite is the complete indignation expressed when some High Dollar Hottie enters the scene.  “What does $1000 an hour get you?” is repeated over and over, as they try to discover some sex act that explains the difference in pricing.  It doesn’t get you the mythical Venus Butterfly or some other special sex act (and you’re not paying for sex anyway!), it gets you seduction. 

Invariably (perhaps excluding porn stars, where you are paying for something else), the escort who can get away with charging more is better at the art of seduction that others.  It may be that they are more skilled at it, or (it seems to me) that they derive enormous pleasure from it themselves, or they realize they can charge more for it.  Most likely it is all three.  So everything else being equal, an escort who charges $300 an hour is going to devote significantly more attention to the seduction than one who charges $250 an hour.  One who charges $500 an hour is going to focus much of her attention on the seduction.  And at $1000+ an hour it is almost all about the seduction.

Going back to my steak analogy,  $250/hour is like  a steak at the Texas Roadhouse, $300 is The Outback Steakhouse, $500 is El Gaucho, and $1000 is Peter Luger.  While I occasionally get roped into a steak at The Outback,  when I have a choice I make my way to El Gaucho or Peter Luger.

Go get seduced.

Technorati Tags: Escorts,Escort,Seduction,Sex

A little bit of an introduction

A blog certainly deserves an introduction to its author, and someday I’ll probably write a more complete one.  But for now this  will just have to do!

I could say that I’m just a typical middle-aged man, which is how I tend to think of myself.  But after reading this blog you may decide I’m pretty atypical.  I was brought up in your standard American middle-class family, have had a good career, family, nice house in the suburbs, etc.  While it’s been quite a while since I had truly difficult financial times, I very well remember being one or two paychecks away from being out on the street.   More than once.  As I said, that was quite a while ago.  Sounds typical right?  And pretty boring.  So let’s get to the good stuff.

From my first sexual high-school sexual experience into my early 40s I was serially monogamous.  With few exceptions shortly after one monogamous relationship ended another would begin, leaving me with an adequate quantity of sex (other than during a period of what definitely qualifies as a “sexless marriage”) but very little in the way of variety.  Most of my fantasies remained just that, and my desire to explore and have a wide variety of sexual experiences was suppressed in order to maintain the relationship.

Then I had what one could call a mid-life crisis, though I considered it more of an “ah ha” moment.  As my parents generation started to pass away I thought about my own life and what I might regret never having done when I reached my death-bed.  While a number of things came to mind, one really jumped out.  I had been suppressing  my true sexual being my entire life, and that was the one thing about ME that I wasn’t happy with.  So I set out on a journey to satisfy my curiosity and explore all of my sexual interests.

I still think of myself as being early in my journey of sexual exploration, particularly since I always seem to be adding new things to my list.  There have been some surprises along the way, most importantly that I found my perfect lover.  We explore together as well as separately, a freedom that drives us ever closer together.  Take that all of you who believe monogamy is a required attribute of a healthy relationship :-)

Welcome to my blog!

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