To sub, or not to sub…that is the question

In “sex”, as in everything else, everyone seems to need a label.  Or many.  So when it comes to “vanilla” (whatever that is) I’m properly labeled as a Straight Male.  That seems easy enough.  But what about BDSM?  Well I find labels there a lot tougher.  Failing to find anything that really fits, I identify as a Switch.  So what does this really mean?

To begin with there is nothing very vanilla about my vanilla.  Oh, an evening of activities most people consider vanilla is high on my list of fantastic things!  There are times when nothing is better than passionate kissing, hands and mouth everywhere, and ultimately pumping my seed into the place that was designed to receive it.  Yup, that is vanilla.  But most of the time my sex play involves at least something kinky.  That can be as simple as being teased for a very long time (which at 20 would have been torture but in middle age is exquisite in its frustration, fantasy, and release), or as wild as having my lover clamp a Kali Teeth Bracelet on my cock.  And while tease/denial, CBT, and chastity devices are all staples of BDSM, when I engage in these activities with my lover they are simply kink.   We do not relate as D/s, but rather as lovers who both simply enjoy playing with each other in almost any imaginable way.

But, I have always wanted to try D/s and chose to try being a submissive first.  The very first thing I found is that anything submissive outside the bedroom really turned me off.  Oh, I could play the role a bit online for a chat or two.  But after that my natural alpha male re-asserts itself and I lose interest.  In the bedroom I can take the submissive role and run…or rather be bound up, with it.  Unfortunately it has been very difficult to have a satisfying submissive experience.  I’ve had two, which I’ll talk about in other blog posts.  But the other half dozen or so I’ve had left me unsatisfied, and thinking I only enjoyed submission in the privacy of my own mind.  I did finally have the kind of submissive experience I was looking for, so now I know reality can be as good as fantasy.   Thus playing as a submissive is still very much on the table.  Does that make me a submissive?  I don’t think so.

You see playing the dominant role in D/s play is also on my list of interests.  I’ve just long had it as a lower priority than exploring submission.  Why?  Frankly, because male dominant/female submissive is all too vanilla!  I know I exaggerate, but I think everyone knows what I mean.  Thus exploring the more unusual female dominant/male submissive side of things was just more taboo and more mentally stimulating.  But now that I’ve done that, my interest in finding submissive play partners is going up.

So, I’d play with a woman just to share a kink.  I’d happily submit to a woman (and explore multiple kinks with her) so I can experience the joys of sub-space.  And I’d be thrilled to find a play partner to help me learn how to dominate.  Switch does sound like the appropriate label, doesn’t it?

The Waitress

The door was still locked when I arrived at the restaurant seeking a bit of breakfast before a long day of work.  I looked inside but could see no one, briefly wondering if it had joined the many others killed off by the recession.  A quick check of my watch revealed it was 5 minutes before opening time, so I took out my smartphone and began reading email.  At precisely opening time I heard a sexy “Good Morning” and looked up to see one of the waitresses opening the door.  She’d served me a couple of times in the past, and I’d always noted some attraction, but this time I really “woke up” and took notice. 

As she walked me to a table I noticed the swing in her hips and a bit of a joyful “skip” in her step.  Since I was the only customer there was a lot of time for small talk.  There was a definite twinkly in her eye and a delightful squint when she smiled (which she did a lot).  Having eaten at this particular place quite often I knew their routine, and she wasn’t following it.  Even as other customers entered, she found an unusual number of reasons to swing by my table.  Every bit of her body language and voice said “flirt”, and she was reeling me in.  My mind went to a movie scene of brushing everything off the table, throwing her down, and doing her right in the restaurant.  What a great way to start the day!

What I notice each time I see this waitress is that she doesn’t fit any definition of “type” that I would give someone if they forced me to say what I was attracted to.  Her loose waitress outfit hides any notion of curves, though her body language suggests otherwise.  No breasts, legs, or butt to really check out.  Cute, but not beautiful.  Medium-long hair, but done in an odd style (and multiple colors) that shows her youth.  And young, mid 20s, an age that doesn’t do anything for me (except of course make for good eye candy).  So why did I have such a strong reaction to this waitress?

I do find that I’m often attracted to someone even though I can’t easily describe why.  So what did this waitress have, besides being the most delightful flirt?  One, there was that sparkle in her eye.  That’s always been something that captures my attention.  It is probably related to the biggie, a clear zest for life.  Sheer Joy.  That is something in my top 3.  It’ll get me every time.

I left a really big tip.

Sex in every corner

Yesterday I was surprised and delighted to see a tweet from my lover saying she had the hots for a waitress.  Surprised because earlier that day I had been at a restaurant a 1000 miles away having the hots for a waitress.  And planning to blog about it.   Delighted because it was yet another sign of how “in-sync” the two of us are.  Yes, we both see sex in every corner.  Though she has me beat since she gets to fantasize about both men and women while I stick to women. 

This wasn’t the first time I was thinking about something and suddenly a tweet or blog post appears that mirrors my thoughts.  Can she read my mind?  I hope so, because then she knows the dirty, passionate, and loving thoughts that are in there.

Do you need therapy?

Admittedly, this topic really should be “Do I need therapy?” but I much preferred the idea of making it someone else’s problem :-)  That said, I believe many of us do worry from time to time that we are letting SEX dominate our lives a bit too much.  So, although I have no professional credentials nor expertise, I decide to create a little quiz to see if I (or any of you) might need therapy.  It’s a simple 5 question quiz where you provide an answer between 1 and 10.  Then we’ll see if you really do need therapy!

1) How much does your focus on Sex interfere with your relationship with your family (including children, spouse, other relatives)?  Answer from 1 to 10 where 1 is “My family wants me to find a hobby so they can have some time away from me” and 10 is “Family?  Holy S**t Batman, I forgot I had one”.

2) How does Sex impact your financial stability?  Answer from 1 to 10 where 1 is “If I gave up Sex I’d go broke” and 10 is “All my money goes to sex toys, sex vacations, escorts, building that perfect play-space, etc. and I just got an eviction notice”.

3) What impact do you have on those you have sex with?  Answer from 1 to 10 where 1 is “I’ve saved more marriages than Marriage Encounter” and 10 is “I’m personally responsible for America’s high divorce rate”.

4) How does Sex impact you at work?  Answer from 1 to 10 where 1 is “They all think I’m a nun” and 10 is “I’ve been fired from so many jobs for inappropriate sexual activity that even Donald Trump got tired of telling me”.

5) Is Sex effecting your health?  Either in terms of illness or play injuries?  Answer from 1 to 10 where 1 is “I haven’t been sick a day in my life” and 10 is “I had trouble getting a doctor to remove the xxxx from my ass because at the hospital I’m known as the Typhoid Mary of STDs”

If you answered 10 to any of the questions then you need therapy.  If your answers total to more than 35 then you need therapy.  If you are between 25 and 35, therapy might or might not help.  Below 25, Sex IS your therapy.

Where am I?

It has been a very busy work week, and the weekend is looking a little overfull as well.  So next “real” blog post might not be until Monday.  I hope I can get one done sooner, since several topics are trying to blast their way out of my head.  It hurts :-)

T-0: Minutes to go

Busy day at work so I couldn’t do anything special, but my mind was on HER the entire day.  Well, that IS as SPECIAL as it gets really!  Got a picture that just blew my mind.   Wow!

T-1: A tough night last night

My brain locked on my lover’s latest fantasy and was so active I couldn’t sleep.  The plan is working.  I got perhaps 3 hours total!  The “fix” would have been to masturbate, but I managed to skip that.

It was a busy day at work and I was doing all I could to stay awake, so no conscious working on my “plan”.  But I did lust after nearly every woman in sight.  I wish I could say I was caught staring, but more likely if I looked at someone that long it was because I had fallen asleep with my eyes open.  Although they might have been in my dreams….

Tonight I will continue with the program.  There is a book I’m reading, and although it isn’t really my style it perfectly fits the bill right now by feeding my vivid imagination.  A vivid imagination is a fantastic sexual tool!

Anyway, the feelings of sexual frustration are building greatly.  With a bit under 24 hours to go I expect I’ll barely be able to contain myself when I see my lover.  What kind of encounter will it be?  It certainly won’t be that of teenage lovers, even if I’m trying to invoke that style of internal energy.  Hmmm….I may just have to “claim” her.

T-2: A really big turn-on

I exchanged mail with my lover about fulfilling another one of her fantasies. It plays to one of my big fantasies as well, so I'm incredibly turned on. Frustration building :-)

Enabled Anonymous Comments

I'm still working on getting the settings right for the sight. Now anyone can post a comment.

T-2: Getting ready for a HOT date

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Another take on the Kali’s Teeth Bracelet

Perhaps you have read Silvia-Mckenzie Navah’s description of our play with with a Kali’s Teeth Bracelet (KTB), and if you haven’t you really should.  I included a brief description from my side in the comments there, and wanted to expand on it here.

I was quite faithful to my ex-wife during the period of our “sexless marriage”.  While I now consider that a mistake (that is, had I sought sex elsewhere it might have preserved the marriage), it lead me to quite an active fantasy sex life.  It was during this period that I first went to an adult book store and started to learn about the wide variety of non-vanilla sexual activities, kinks, and fetishes out there.  I found I really enjoyed BDSM magazines and the activities they depicted (in picture and in story).  Now this was WAY before the Internet and so these magazines were pretty much the only source of information one could find.  In one of those magazines was a story in which a dominant used a Kali’s Teeth Bracelet to keep her submissive cruelly in chastity.  I think I came pretty much just from reading the story.  Not that I could really say why.  I’m not submissive in life, nor had I played with being submissive in the bedroom, yet there was something so hot both about a guy submitting that thoroughly to a woman and even hotter about just playing with such a seemingly medieval torture device as the KTB.  Sadly, I could not keep such material around the house and the magazine and story are long gone.

Silvia-Mckenzie didn’t know about my youthful KTB fantasies when she ordered one for us to play with, but once I found out I was both ecstatic and nervous.  I really wanted to try it, but was nervous I would wimp-out on wearing it for any length of time.  It is in fact far more than a chastity device, it is a true torture device.  In the end I was determined that Kali would not defeat me easily.  We had to milk the KTB for all the fun we could!  But I must admit I was further emboldened by “The Angel’s” apparent belief that I, and Silvia, would wimp out.  So the key to remove the KTB was locked in the car while we were at dinner, and I wore the KTB for 5 hours without asking for it to be removed.  Indeed, it was only removed when Silvia was ready for other games to be played!

Now you may ask why I would allow my precious body part to be placed in a medieval-like  chastity/torture device even for an instant, and I could give you a number of answers.  Curiosity, and my own fantasies, certainly played an enormous role.  But there is something much more important at play.  I knew it would turn my partner on, and not just a little.  Read Silvia’s own description of the event and you’ll get some idea.  Her reaction was simply amazing, and worth every bit of pain, discomfort, fear, and everything else I experienced.  I’d wear it again in a heartbeat to bring her that much pleasure!

Technorati Tags: Sex,BDSM,S&M,CBT,Fetish

Women (almost) always TOP

Ok, before everyone get’s indignant let me clarify.  Outside the bedroom women almost always “top from the bottom”. 

So what do I mean?  Ignore the surface behaviors where men seem dominant and women seem submissive because any man (particularly any married man) will tell you that the woman always get’s what she wants.  We men are wired to be breeders, providers and to protect our families.  To do that we developed dominant personas which, in my opinion, range from very useful in modern life all the way to causing true dysfunction and anti-social behavior.   Except for wimps, and no one (particularly, if you read the personals, female dominants) likes a wimp.   The thing is, men are REALLY wired for their biological function.  And women have evolved to instinctively push men’s buttons.  You think I mean S-E-X?  Well, that certainly applies to our wiring for breeding.  But I think most women are actually better at manipulating men’s instinct to “provide and protect”.  Indeed, that may be the real reason so many women lose interest in sex once they have children:  they realize they no longer need it to manipulate their man.   Unfortunately they fail to take their mate’s long-term mental health into account, but that is a topic for another posting.

We acknowledge this situation in our vocabulary all the time.  A woman who is really skilled at this manipulation often has a “doting husband” while a woman who has really poor skills and thus resorts to more blatant techniques has a man who is “henpecked”.   Guys, the message here is that you actually want to find a woman who is good at manipulating you.   No one wants to be henpecked.

So if women “top from the bottom” in life why is their behavior so different in the bedroom?  In my experience that very same woman who can manipulate you into painting the bedroom pink, buying a minivan, or eating a vegemite sandwich (and they only legitimate reason I can see a guy eating a vegemite sandwich is because it leads to sex, otherwise why?  WHY?) will give you ZERO information about what they like when it comes to sex.  I mean, they always have an opinion on which shirt looks best on you but they’ll never let on if they prefer it when your tongue goes up and down or side to side.  They happily tell you you’re too rough when putting on the sunscreen, but never let you know how much pressure they like when you squeeze their breasts.   I don’t have an answer for this one, so maybe someone out there can enlighten me?

As for me, my younger experiences with women who would not communicate helped shape my interests in middle-age.  I like women who are assertive or even aggressive in bed.  I love great communications, both verbal and via body language.  I love it when my partner is truly lost in her own pleasure, and makes it a priority over pleasing me.  Even in a situation where I am clearly being “dominant”, I want these things to be true.  I guess that means even in the bedroom I want a woman who tops, whether from the top or from the bottom.  They are turn-ons for me.  So much so that if I knew it would make my partner truly wet, I’d eat a vegemite sandwich. 

Learning to savor “paid companionship”

Trust me, this post really is about sex.  I’m a steak lover.  Some years ago I had a string of mediocre steaks at various restaurants and came to an important realization:  It wasn’t worth wasting my time or money on a mediocre steak.  Ever since, I’ve limited my restaurant steak consumption to those occasions where I can go to a top steakhouse.  Sure it costs a lot (and when I started out budget considerations made this a rare treat), but now when I eat steak each bite is almost a religious experience.  Or, in a sex blog perhaps it is best to say that the steak is even better than sex.  NOT!  Fortunately the two are not necessarily mutually exclusive.

When I decided to pursue my middle-aged sexual adventures I immediately realized that the best way to do it was via various forms of “paid companionship”.  I wasn’t looking to get entangled in a relationship, and “paid companionship” is, except in its most advanced form (something for a future post), inherently No Strings Attached.   So I had a basic direction, and started looking at having the occasional (initially once a year) adventure with an Escort.

I’ll be writing numerous blogs about escorts in the days to come, but this one is about two specific topics.  The first is about what is important to me about the overall experience.  The second is about money.  They are related.

I started this posting off by talking about steak, and particularly steak at a restaurant, because I wanted to make a point about mediocre versus excellent “product” and more importantly “experience”.  I can buy an incredible steak at the butcher and cook it to perfection at home, along with my favorite sides.  And when I’m done with the shopping, preparation, cooking, clearing the table, washing the dishes, etc. I’ve put a few hours of effort in for about 30 minutes of pleasurable dining.  Now, when I do this just for myself mostly what I recall is all the work.  When I do it for friends what I recall is sharing a great steak (and wine, etc.) with my friends.  So when I go out for a great steak I want the entire experience with it.  Great atmosphere.  Great Service.  Great Food.  Great, well everything.  Sure it revolves around the steak, and the steak had best be great, but everything else needs to be incredible.  And this too is my approach to Escorts.

I love women.  Sure, I REALLY love sex with them.  But I just love to interact with women in general, (try to) understand them, and develop a connection with them.  It doesn’t matter to me if I’m dealing with a clerk in the supermarket, a fellow business traveler, or a “sex worker”.  Except in the case of a “sex worker” I know the interaction is likely to lead to some form of sex.  So in their case, all those interactions with women that I enjoy so much in daily life take on a new urgency:  Seduction.  Put another way, when dealing with an escort  the Seduction Phase of the encounter is every bit as important to me as any actual sex play that occurs.  I want to seduce and be seduced.  Even if it is “paid companionship”.

When I started my explorations I didn’t realize how important seduction was going to be to me, though I discovered it pretty quickly.  The worst escort experience I ever had actually involved perhaps the best blow job I’ve ever received.  But because I had no (ZERO) connection with the woman, it was almost like interacting with a blowup doll, I couldn’t stand another minute with her.  I ended the appointment an hour early.  On the other hand when I look back at one of my fondest encounters I realize that the sex itself was above average but not memorable.  However, we’d spent hours having a wonderful conversation over dinner and made a real connection.  That made up for the sex itself being less than I’d hoped.  And then there is “the one” where everything was perfect that first time.  And still is.  I wonder if she’d mind me telling that story?

Which brings me to $.  When reading any of the boards devoted to “the hobby” one invariably comes across a conversation debating the fees charged by escorts.  This usually happens when a particular escort is charging significantly above the local going rate.   “Why should I pay $300 when <insert highly regarded local provider x here> does everything for $250?” My favorite is the complete indignation expressed when some High Dollar Hottie enters the scene.  “What does $1000 an hour get you?” is repeated over and over, as they try to discover some sex act that explains the difference in pricing.  It doesn’t get you the mythical Venus Butterfly or some other special sex act (and you’re not paying for sex anyway!), it gets you seduction. 

Invariably (perhaps excluding porn stars, where you are paying for something else), the escort who can get away with charging more is better at the art of seduction that others.  It may be that they are more skilled at it, or (it seems to me) that they derive enormous pleasure from it themselves, or they realize they can charge more for it.  Most likely it is all three.  So everything else being equal, an escort who charges $300 an hour is going to devote significantly more attention to the seduction than one who charges $250 an hour.  One who charges $500 an hour is going to focus much of her attention on the seduction.  And at $1000+ an hour it is almost all about the seduction.

Going back to my steak analogy,  $250/hour is like  a steak at the Texas Roadhouse, $300 is The Outback Steakhouse, $500 is El Gaucho, and $1000 is Peter Luger.  While I occasionally get roped into a steak at The Outback,  when I have a choice I make my way to El Gaucho or Peter Luger.

Go get seduced.

Technorati Tags: Escorts,Escort,Seduction,Sex

A little bit of an introduction

A blog certainly deserves an introduction to its author, and someday I’ll probably write a more complete one.  But for now this  will just have to do!

I could say that I’m just a typical middle-aged man, which is how I tend to think of myself.  But after reading this blog you may decide I’m pretty atypical.  I was brought up in your standard American middle-class family, have had a good career, family, nice house in the suburbs, etc.  While it’s been quite a while since I had truly difficult financial times, I very well remember being one or two paychecks away from being out on the street.   More than once.  As I said, that was quite a while ago.  Sounds typical right?  And pretty boring.  So let’s get to the good stuff.

From my first sexual high-school sexual experience into my early 40s I was serially monogamous.  With few exceptions shortly after one monogamous relationship ended another would begin, leaving me with an adequate quantity of sex (other than during a period of what definitely qualifies as a “sexless marriage”) but very little in the way of variety.  Most of my fantasies remained just that, and my desire to explore and have a wide variety of sexual experiences was suppressed in order to maintain the relationship.

Then I had what one could call a mid-life crisis, though I considered it more of an “ah ha” moment.  As my parents generation started to pass away I thought about my own life and what I might regret never having done when I reached my death-bed.  While a number of things came to mind, one really jumped out.  I had been suppressing  my true sexual being my entire life, and that was the one thing about ME that I wasn’t happy with.  So I set out on a journey to satisfy my curiosity and explore all of my sexual interests.

I still think of myself as being early in my journey of sexual exploration, particularly since I always seem to be adding new things to my list.  There have been some surprises along the way, most importantly that I found my perfect lover.  We explore together as well as separately, a freedom that drives us ever closer together.  Take that all of you who believe monogamy is a required attribute of a healthy relationship :-)

Welcome to my blog!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.