To sub, or not to sub…that is the question

In “sex”, as in everything else, everyone seems to need a label.  Or many.  So when it comes to “vanilla” (whatever that is) I’m properly labeled as a Straight Male.  That seems easy enough.  But what about BDSM?  Well I find labels there a lot tougher.  Failing to find anything that really fits, I identify as a Switch.  So what does this really mean?

To begin with there is nothing very vanilla about my vanilla.  Oh, an evening of activities most people consider vanilla is high on my list of fantastic things!  There are times when nothing is better than passionate kissing, hands and mouth everywhere, and ultimately pumping my seed into the place that was designed to receive it.  Yup, that is vanilla.  But most of the time my sex play involves at least something kinky.  That can be as simple as being teased for a very long time (which at 20 would have been torture but in middle age is exquisite in its frustration, fantasy, and release), or as wild as having my lover clamp a Kali Teeth Bracelet on my cock.  And while tease/denial, CBT, and chastity devices are all staples of BDSM, when I engage in these activities with my lover they are simply kink.   We do not relate as D/s, but rather as lovers who both simply enjoy playing with each other in almost any imaginable way.

But, I have always wanted to try D/s and chose to try being a submissive first.  The very first thing I found is that anything submissive outside the bedroom really turned me off.  Oh, I could play the role a bit online for a chat or two.  But after that my natural alpha male re-asserts itself and I lose interest.  In the bedroom I can take the submissive role and run…or rather be bound up, with it.  Unfortunately it has been very difficult to have a satisfying submissive experience.  I’ve had two, which I’ll talk about in other blog posts.  But the other half dozen or so I’ve had left me unsatisfied, and thinking I only enjoyed submission in the privacy of my own mind.  I did finally have the kind of submissive experience I was looking for, so now I know reality can be as good as fantasy.   Thus playing as a submissive is still very much on the table.  Does that make me a submissive?  I don’t think so.

You see playing the dominant role in D/s play is also on my list of interests.  I’ve just long had it as a lower priority than exploring submission.  Why?  Frankly, because male dominant/female submissive is all too vanilla!  I know I exaggerate, but I think everyone knows what I mean.  Thus exploring the more unusual female dominant/male submissive side of things was just more taboo and more mentally stimulating.  But now that I’ve done that, my interest in finding submissive play partners is going up.

So, I’d play with a woman just to share a kink.  I’d happily submit to a woman (and explore multiple kinks with her) so I can experience the joys of sub-space.  And I’d be thrilled to find a play partner to help me learn how to dominate.  Switch does sound like the appropriate label, doesn’t it?