I hesitate to write about the Steve McNair case, since the facts aren’t all in. But it looks like his mistress murdered him then committed suicide. Ok, as a man with a mistress I’m fascinated by stories like this. Partially for the “there but for the grace of god go I” aspect, and also because it highlights what seems like DOs and DON’Ts if you are going to have a mistress.
There are at least two scenarios in the Steve McNair / Sahel Kazemi case that I’m wondering about. The first is that McNair really was estranged from his wife and was dating Kazemi in a traditional sense. Perhaps he announced his intent to try to reconcile with his wife and Kazemi snapped. That isn’t really a “mistress” kind of relationship, so I’ll ignore it for now. The other is that McNair lied to Kazemi and lead her on about his intent. There are two problems there. One is that you shouldn’t lie to your mistress. The second is that you should have a mistress who really wants to be a mistress, not someone whose goal is to displace your wife!
The “shouldn’t lie” is really quite simple. As a shadowy, outside your public life, deep intimate relationship your mistress serves as the one person you can share your secrets with. You can tell her things you can’t share with your wife, friends, business associates, etc. Having this outlet, and its associated bond, is one of the joys of having a mistress. But for that to work you have to trust her. Because a mistress holds in her hands the power to destroy you. Perhaps simply by revealing your relationship, but more devastatingly by revealing your secrets. So the reality is that you want to establish and maintain a very trusting relationship with your mistress. You already start out with a bit of a handicap, since obviously you are willing to lie to your wife so why should your mistress trust you? That’s a tough one, and honestly a topic I agonized over (and still do) . I hate lying to my wife, and it bothers me even more that I demonstrate to my lover that I’m capable of such deception. But that is the nature of the beast!
Which brings me to the second point. You really want a mistress who wants to be a mistress! If that’s a role they seek, then you don’t have to lie about your intent. And they fully understand and accept the need for you to lie to your wife, even if lying isn’t in your nature. And, even if you do fall in love with each other, it doesn’t have to threaten your marriage. Or your life. Finding a mistress who really wants to be a mistress (rather than your girlfriend or wife) and what that really means is a topic I want to write about. But not today.
